Many parents of neurodivergent children hear the same phrase from school at some point:
“They’re fine at school.”
Or perhaps:
“They settle quickly once you leave.”
Often this is said with well intentioned kindness and reassurance. Teachers are trying to help parents feel less worried about the school day. Sometimes it is offered as comfort, suggesting that although mornings might feel difficult, everything is working out once the classroom door closes.
But if you're parenting a neurodivergent child, you may recognise that the story does not always end there and despite how well a teacher might mean, comments like this can feel incredibly frustrating and borderline gaslighting.
Because while a child may appear settled during the school day, what happens after school can tell a very different story.
Many parents experience intense after school meltdowns, emotional exhaustion, or long conversations about worries that have been quietly building all day. Others notice behaviour changes in the evenings, particularly around bedtime, when everything that has been held in finally surfaces.
Understanding why this happens can help parents feel less alone, and can also help schools understand the full picture of what neurodivergent children are experiencing. The below is taken from my own experience, observations and research and is not an 'expert opinion'. I hope it helps.
When Teachers Say “They’re Fine at School”
For parents of neurodivergent children, hearing that a child is “fine at school” can feel confusing.
On one hand, it is reassuring to know that your child is not visibly struggling in the classroom. Every parent wants their child to feel safe and supported in school. Hearing that they are managing can feel like good news.
But at the same time, many parents know that what happens at home afterwards does not match that description.
You might be the parent sitting in the car after pick up while your child suddenly unravels after holding everything together all day. What looked like a calm school day from the outside can end in an hour long meltdown in the car or kitchen.
You might find evenings becoming increasingly difficult. Bedtime may spiral into hissing, growling, tears or emotional overwhelm that seems to come from nowhere.
Or, if you are lucky that particular evening, you may get something different instead. The quiet conversation.
The moment when your child finally opens up about what they were worrying about all day.
Perhaps the classroom was too loud.
Perhaps they were worried about getting something wrong.
Perhaps a social interaction stuck in their mind all afternoon.
Perhaps the uncertainty of tomorrow’s lesson is already weighing on them.
These moments can make it clear that while a child may appear “fine” during the school day, that does not necessarily mean the day felt easy or comfortable for them.
Masking at School
One of the reasons neurodivergent children can appear settled at school while struggling internally is something known as masking.
Masking is when a child works very hard to hide their discomfort and appear as though everything is manageable. They may carefully copy the behaviour of other children, suppress their natural responses to sensory input, or push themselves to follow social expectations even when it feels overwhelming.
From the outside, masking can make a child look calm, cooperative and capable. Teachers may see a child who follows instructions, completes their work and interacts appropriately with others.
But the effort required to maintain that mask can be enormous.
Many neurodivergent children spend the entire school day monitoring themselves, trying to keep their behaviour within expected boundaries while managing sensory input, social interactions and academic demands.
This constant self regulation takes a huge amount of energy.
By the time they get home, their nervous system may be completely exhausted.
This is why many families experience after school meltdowns in neurodivergent children. The child has been holding everything together for hours, and home becomes the place where they finally feel safe enough to let go.
The meltdown is not happening because home is the problem.
It is happening because home is the place where they can finally stop pretending everything is fine.
Seeing Different Parts of the Same Child
It is important to recognise that teachers are often seeing a very different part of the picture.
Classrooms are busy environments. Teachers are responsible for large groups of children, often with very different needs and learning styles. Their attention naturally has to move between many competing priorities throughout the day.
In this environment, the children whose needs are most visible are often the ones whose behaviour is loud or disruptive. These are the children who understandably require immediate support.
A child who appears quiet, compliant and cooperative may simply not draw the same level of attention.
This does not mean teachers are ignoring other children. It simply reflects the reality of how busy classrooms operate.
Training can also play a role. While awareness of neurodivergence is growing, not every teacher has had extensive training in recognising masking or understanding how sensory overwhelm can affect behaviour outside the classroom.
Many teachers are doing their best with the training, time and resources available to them. When they say a child seems fine at school, it is usually because that is genuinely what they observe during the school day.
But that observation may still represent only part of the story.
Trusting What You See at Home
One of the most important things parents can do is trust their own observations.
Parents see the full rhythm of their child’s day. They see the moments before school, the emotional transition after school, and the quieter conversations that happen later in the evening.
They notice patterns that may not be visible in the classroom.
They see the tension building the night before school.
They see the emotional release once the school gate is behind them.
They hear the worries that surface at bedtime when the world finally slows down.
These experiences are valid and important pieces of information.
When parents share what they are seeing at home, they are not contradicting teachers. They are providing the missing pieces that help explain what a child may be experiencing internally.
The goal is not to prove that a teacher is wrong. It is to help everyone understand the child more fully.
When schools understand that a child who appears settled during the day is followed by significant emotional release at home, it can shift the conversation.
Instead of focusing only on what is visible in the classroom, teachers and parents can begin exploring what might be happening beneath the surface.
Empowering Parents to Advocate
Many parents worry about being seen as difficult when they raise concerns about masking, school anxiety or after school meltdowns.
But advocating for your child is not about creating conflict.
It is about sharing information that helps the adults around your child understand them better.
Parents often hold important insights that cannot easily be seen in a classroom setting. When these insights are shared respectfully and collaboratively, they can help schools build more effective support around a child.
Sometimes the changes that help most are quite small.
It might be a gentler transition into the school day.
It might be a trusted adult checking in with the child during difficult moments.
It might be a quiet space where a child can regulate when things become overwhelming.
It might simply be an increased awareness that a child who appears calm may still be working incredibly hard to cope.
None of these adjustments require blame or conflict. They simply require understanding.
When parents and teachers work together with the full picture, it becomes much easier to support children who are masking their difficulties during the school day.
And for parents, there is something deeply reassuring about realising that the after school meltdown is not a sign of failure.
Often it is a sign that your child finally feels safe enough to release everything they have been carrying.
Our children may appear “fine” to the outside world.
But when we speak up about what we see, we help ensure they are supported not just for the parts of the day that are visible, but for the parts that remain hidden too.
Many neurodivergent children experience sensory overwhelm during the school day, which we explore in our guide to supporting children with sensory regulation.
The SEN Edit is a community supporting parents raising neurodivergent children. We share lived experiences, practical strategies and sensory tools that genuinely help families navigate everyday life.